Archive for love

How I reckon Ian Curtis’ mind worked

Posted in Mind Ramblings with tags , , , , , on October 30, 2008 by starstripe

I haven’t even seen “control” but apparently it’s a bit of a wife’s portrayal. Anyway, I was bouncing around to Age OF Consent by New Order last night and it made me think about whether Ian would have been happy the way the band changed and became even more mainline but less alternative punk I guess. I wonder all the time why he killed himself. Sure, he had epilepsy but apart from that, he wasn’t a tortured artist right? Then I looked at my life over the past year. Leading a double life for six months – telling one person you love them and believing it with all your mind and heart but being with another who is secret, but irresistible. You don’t know which to choose and if you are an asshole for even thinking about the situation that way. Problem is, you get so used to both, you love parts about both. You hate parts about both. Couldn’t I just do this for ever? And with that, I finally understand the dynamics of an affair. Love is not enough and never has been. But the war inside your head, when you are with one and resolve that you are happy with them, then have the same thing happen with the other, is never ending. I guess relationships built on secrets and the purpose of hurting others and demanding their attention through causing pain doesn’t just hurt one person. It hurts all involved. And then the relationship based on masks and hidden agendas ends. And do you really want the one you really love? Like I said, love is not enough. So I understand why Ian did what he did. Maybe that is all crap and he couldn’t handle the fame or something Kurt Cobain ish. But he’s the only one who can tell us.

Oooooops I lost control again

Oooooops I lost control again