Archive for Jacob Zuma

President Jacob Zuma – WB Yeats Predicted This 90 Years Ago

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 6, 2009 by starstripe
Getting pissed on tax-payers money had given Jacob lots of practice at the funky chicken

Getting pissed on tax-payers money had given Jacob lots of practice at the funky chicken

Well Joy. Jacob Zuma has been let off scott-free, thanks to the spineless c**ts of the NPA. A friend of mine sent me this in summary of his opinion on the matter:

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

— William Butler Yeats

Sounds pretty on par to me.

Some Contemporary Humour :)

Posted in Mind Ramblings, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2009 by starstripe

The world seems to be going a little whacked at the moment. As Norman Bates said – “We all go a little crazy sometimes”. That’s all good but with a recession holding the globe’s economy by the scrotum, insanity seems to be a daily event. Someone mentioned yesterday that this economic crisis isn’t as bad as in the 20’s and no one has thrown themselves off buildings in anguish and haven’t done so in a good few years. Another replied “Ummm they have, but that was because the Twin Towers were on fire.”

Ahem

Pardon me, I just love sick humour.

On the local shores, we have the election madness setting in. I admit that I have some fear in my stomach about the future of the country, considering the problems with corruption, cheating and Julius Malema’s Matric results.

I was sent two emails by the fabulous Jono1980 which brought some comic relief to my fears about the world recession and South African political circus. Ta jono, please send more 馃檪

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS

– DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

路 DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin
bags along with your old bank statements.

路 SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by
changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741GP,

路 DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.

路 AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator.

路 SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house
and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

路 HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.

路 OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books,
simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

路 SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking
a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.

路 SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to
the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them
back for fifty cents.

路 CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of
cling film and press them into your eyes.

路 MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of
toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make
humbugs.

路 SHOPPERS, when buying oranges and bananas, get more for your money by
peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

And finally…ZUMATELLO

Master Splinter will be thrilled.

Master Splinter will be thrilled.

A baby is about as fashionable as tie dye

Posted in Mind Ramblings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2008 by starstripe

I鈥檓 at a friend鈥檚 house, the friend who we sit with four people on his bed watching rugby on a Saturday. Now, I am not a rugby fan, in fact I am sitting writing this blog from the bed to avoid having to watch over exercised and grisly men fondling each others鈥 bottoms. I wouldn鈥檛 want anyone to get the wrong idea.

I don鈥檛 know if my eardrums will survive this match though, seeing as one of my fellow bed sitters is screaming so loudly, my ears are hurting. I mean really, if it was say鈥 Jacob Zuma being a judge on Miss South Africa Teen or Hershelle Gibbs participating in a marriage counselling course, sure, I would get fairly vocal. But to me, rugby is such a homo-erotic display of testosterone fuelled bum fisting. But I love company of my friends and their repressed need for masculine displays of dominance; I am willing to sit with sore ears.

Speaking of masculine dominance, it has become quite frightening to me how many of my friends are joining the fashionable habit of pro-creating. Some (actually many) are younger than me and I cannot grasp how punching out a kid is going to make their lives any better.

I am 25. That is not old. Definitely not old enough to be capable of raising sprogs. I haven鈥檛 reached levels of maturity to be ok with paying tax but who has to be honest. It feels like yesterday that I was seated in my school hall, singing the Lord鈥檚 prayer and letting religious ideals flow over my head whilst I thought about Ouija boards and how exactly one would go about selling their soul to the devil. Ok I wasn鈥檛 that apathetic, I was animated but strange in school.

I was in the group of girls who didn鈥檛 really fit into any of the regular cliques. I wasn鈥檛 a beauty queen, I wasn鈥檛 a super hockey player or athlete, I definitely wasn鈥檛 an academic, a comedian or a slut. Neither was I a party animal/drug user or a church going happy clapper. I was just a weirdo who listened to Beck and wished she was a ghost. I did change after going to Varsity though, but that鈥檚 a whole other story.

The first person who I was in school with who chose to go the route of motherhood was a girl in my school in the UK. She had her first at barely 16, but to be frank she was a Slough resident (pronounced 鈥淪laaaah鈥 by locals) which is in Berkshire and is mentioned in the Ali G movie where they build the Airport over Slough instead of Staines and is also the location where 鈥淭he Office鈥 is set. No more explanation needed.

After this, my friends鈥 level of procreation was extremely low.

And suddenly, a year ago, everyone started getting pregnant. These couples seemed to have forgotten how to use a bloody condom.

And I am not talking about settled, married couples. I am not talking about people with a relatively ok paying job, that have somewhere stable to live and more importantly, a stable partner. I am talking about waiters and waitresses with drug problems, office assistants and students who have partners that are being arrested for shop lifting. I know this might offend some people but tough shit, really.

It is utterly beyond me, how people find themselves in a relationship for a few years and get careless with contraception. More alarmingly, that when they find they have a bun in the oven, they think it is the answer to all their problems.

What is more frightening is that I have been there, I have felt that yearning to be a mum. And thank GOD it went away. I would have been tied to the person I hate the most in the world. For the rest of my life. And I was careless when I was younger… But after seeing friends鈥 lives and dreams disintegrate into nothing when the two strip result appears, I am perfectly happy to wait to have a kid when I am say… well, never actually.

I know this post is not the most humorous of posts, but what has brought this to my attention mostly is an ex housemate of mine, who recently published photos of himself holding his new baby boy. From my experience of living with him, he was about as far from being responsible parent material as Sarah Palin is from becoming a member of PETA.

It seems people today fall in love and whoops! Lets have a baby! Nicole Ritchie has done it! Ashlee Simson has done it! Jamie Lynn Spears has done it! So lets do it!!!

A baby is not a Nine West handbag unless you are Edward Gein. A baby is not a funky cell phone. A baby is not fashionable and a baby is definitely not the answer to people鈥檚 problems. A baby is a responsibility for 18 years at least. People seem to think that a baby is great and cute and they will be able to walk around din hippy clothes on Hollywood boulevard and get snapped by paparazzi.

Unfortunately, they don鈥檛 see toddler tantrums, sleepless nights and baby vomit as a deterrent, and they don鈥檛 see school fees, custody battles and maintenance bills as a deterrent. They seem to think that their kids will stay cute babies forever. I have bad news for them – unless they start their kids smoking cigarettes at a young age to stunt their growth, they have a hell of a wake up coming their way when that kid pops out.

I see these stars in magazines with their fashionable sprogs on their arms, who then get admitted to mental hospitals and custody of their children taken away. I have had three boyfriends who had no father figure in their lives and believe me, the toll on them (and everyone they take their abandonment issues out on) is unbelievable. But the celebs are different- they do have the ability to support a child, usually not emotionally and possibly contributing to the rising number of serial killers in the US, but the kid will never go without what it needs, just love and attention.

Another difference between famous people and 鈥榥ormal鈥 people pro-creating is that the celebs have personal assistants, nannies and massive bank accounts to help them along. Britney got strapped to a gurney and held in a padded cell for a bit? No problem 鈥 family, personal assistants and nannies had her covered. Britney was still able to go out and get plastered all the time with dodgy boyfriends whilst little Jayden and Sean were perfectly safe with child minders. Nicole Ritchie can still go to movie premieres looking skinny whilst little Harlow is at home sleeping under the watchful eye of an expensive babysitter. Jessica Alba is back to her svelte figure in about two days after giving birth and making movies again whilst little Honor Marie is guarded by an au pair. Real life? Nuh HUH!!!

Unless you are extremely well paid, your social life is going to take a dive for non existence. And the stars look fantastic and are yummy mummies? They have personal trainers who they gym with twice a day for four hours at a time because they have the money and the time to do so. Normal people have to do it like normal people 鈥 exercise when time and energy allows.

And let鈥檚 not kid ourselves 鈥 when you have a baby who needs feeding every two hours, screams when it feels happy, sad, angry, confused, jealous, depressed, ecstatic, pensive and any other emotion, pees and poos without restraint, sometimes even into your face and is just a general 24 hour a day job… You are not going to have much energy for anything other than sleeping, which is pretty much a treat when you are sitting with a three week old.

But those people who are under twenty five, unmarried, hardly able to support themselves and really want life to change; if you think that having offspring is going to make your life different you would be right. But perhaps not for the better.

Bag by Fendi, stomach by sad emo rocker who wears eyeliner

Bag by Fendi, stomach by sad emo rocker who wears eyeliner