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I never thought I would say it but Brad Pitt gets my sympathy vote

Posted in Celebrity Meltdown with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2008 by starstripe
Please stop hitting me as hard as you can, Ange

Please stop hitting me as hard as you can, Ange

I’m sitting watching Pulp Fiction , a film that is dear to me – I had a cat called Mia Wallace; an ex who was obsessed with the film bought me the cat and named her after Uma Thurman’s character. Apart from marveling at how damn funny you can make the sickest storylines, I’m laughing at clever ad placements. After one of the first scenes, when Jules and Vincent Vega have just pumped a business ‘associate’ with about ten bullets after stealing his breakfast consisting of take away burgers, SABC cuts to an ad break. The first ad? Wimpy. Lots and lots of burgers on the screen. Hahahahahaha, I have never NOT wanted a burger so badly. Bad move on Wimpy’s part.

Actors and actresses really stump me, but utterly fascinate me at the same time. My guilty pleasure is buying People magazine every week. Now, for a university English major, it’s pretty frowned upon that I read this magazine on such a regular basis. But fuck it, it’s approximately thirty minutes of other people’s problems and intimate lives that I can read about, but don’t have to deal with or give a shit about their feelings. They have Oprah to do that. Whether it is Britney shaving her hair off, Lindsay flashing her unmentionables or Amy Winehouse lashing out at the paparazzi in a crack fuelled rage, I find the magazine such a pleasure to read. I’ll most likely go to hell for it. But I tell dead baby jokes with the passion of a born again Christian so I reckon I’m going to hell anyway. Life is short.

So this weeks headline reads “Brad cheats?!!! Parties till late, cosies up to co-star, won’t marry, never sees kids.”

What amuses me is that the headline gives away some sort of ‘confused’ feeling on behalf of the reporter. Let’s get real here. Are we really all that surprised? Let’s put Brangelina into perspective, shall we? Let’s say, Brad Pitt and his morbid wife were living in say… Belville. It actually suits rather, doesn’t it? Six kids, a moaning wife, moving to a new house every six months and hostile relationships with parents, mixed with a tad of image consciousness. And there you have it – a disaster waiting to happen.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that they are nice people. At least he is. Angelina Jolie however, is someone who I have come to have no sympathy for, whatsoever. I may be a woman scorned, but Jesus, this chick is one nasty force to come across.

As my mother always said to me, “if a man leaves his wife for you, be afraid – it’s just creating a vacancy”. And as painful as it is to realize, if a man cheats, he will do it again. Unless Mike Tyson has threatened to remove a man’s Adam’s apple with a spoon for straying from said man’s wife, it is so easy to follow old habits. Once it’s been done once, it’s more than easy to do it again.

On a timeline, Angie seems to be a bit of a home wrecker. She has run off with another woman’s man on more than one occasion. Laura Dern (the lady who got intimate with a long plastic glove and Triceratops droppings in jurassic Park) was engaged to Billy Bob Thornton. Not for long: once Ange got hold of him, a very sexed up relationship coupled with genital tattoos soon followed. Not happy with having ruined one good woman’s life, she soon set her eyes on Brad, whilst he was married to Jennifer Anniston. Despite everyone saying she was now “more grown up” because of her humanitarian work and three adopted children from poor third world countries, she still wrecked another home and ruined a seemingly nice person’s life. Sure, if Brad was willing to stray, his existing marriage was probably on the frizz anyway, but for God’s sake, could they have not waited till the divorce papers were signed before mass-producing tinsel town offspring?

So back to the point of my bitching session. Why in the world would Miss Jolie (yes… she isn’t married to him yet) think that Brad would not stray from her? Ok, if she had stayed in Mrs Smith mode, run around in nothing but a shirt whilst playing with knives, I’m sure he may have been a little more faithful. Instead, she turned into a baby making machine. Now, any woman who gets pregnant is habit to mood swings. Any woman looking after new-borns is habit to worse mood swings. But after putting herself in the position of having to look after six kids under ten, I’m surprised she hasn’t hung herself with her fifth child’s walking harness.

Poor Brad gets to come home to six screaming kids and a wife who doesn’t eat. Oh and she screams just as much as her three month old twins apparently. Wow. What a life.

With that as a husband’s every day life, then when the very pretty, vibrant and happy leading lady of the moment, Diane Kruger (of Troy and National Treasure fame) hits the scene, what husband would not find their eyes wandering? And I would be getting trashed every night of the week with George Clooney if I was in Brad pit’s position. My last blog was about people having babies and thinking it’s going ot be all chocolate boxes and roses. Well take one look at the Brangelina household and the cold hard truth is like a trout slap to the face.

And is anyone really all that surprised that Brad is behaving like a first year BA student? I’m not. Call me evil, but I’m slightly relieved, for Brad’s sake. Plus Angelina the home wrecker gets to find out just what it feels like to get her home wrecked. Karma is a bitch, but we’ve all got to live with it. Including the rich and famous.