Archive for the Uncategorized Category

I tried so hard.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 9, 2013 by starstripe

I forgave you so many times. Gave second chances so many times. Tried so hard to be good enough for you. Only to be let go of again. But by phone, on my airtime.

Shame on you for hurting me once. Shame on me for letting you hurt me again. And again. And again.

I deserve better than you.

What a waste of my limited time.

One week

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2012 by starstripe

Wow. In the space of a week, the love of my life dumped me and found someone new. I’ve been dumped and replaced, lost my house, lost a wonderful cat and lost a future with someone I deeply loved.

I’m not to sure what to do from here. I thought he cared enough to behave like a decent human being. Now he feels that I am un the wring for bring upset about it.

In the space of a week he’s gone from “i love you so much, I can’t live without you” to “yes I’m seeing someone else.”

I don’t care if it happened unexpectedly. If he never intended it. What he’s done is hurt me deeply to my core, something he always said he would never want to do. But he has, so much.

He’s left me feeling utterly worthless, which is shitty as all I ever did was look after him and be good to him. He’s behaving like an asshole and I am the one suffering for it.

You’ve ruined my life, you asshole, and you’re just sailing onward with no consequences. Thanks for leaving me in pieces and carrying in as if the year we were together meant nothing to you. It’s good to know that all the love I put into us was for nothing.

I am so angry and hate you so much right now. But that’s what you want, because then its easier for you to just up, leave and move on without any responsibility. You said you wished you could make this easier for me. Well if this is how you do it, you’re not the good person I thought you were. In fact, you definitey aren’t.

Just some normal friends

Posted in Uncategorized on August 20, 2012 by starstripe

I don’t want friends on crack. You’re all crazy.
I don’t want friends on smack. You’re all insane.
I don’t want friends on alcohol. You’re loud and difficult.
I don’t want friends on the 12 steps. You’re in a cult.
I just want some normal fucking friends that aren’t drug dealers or into swinging.
I Just want some normal friends who aren’t boring.
Please.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 28, 2012 by starstripe

I really fucking hate it when people come onto my boyfriend. It fucks me off to the highest amount of fucking off that is possible. Yes, it’s a little because I usually feel less-than these trollops who are usually thinner than I am. But it’s mostly because, I KNOW WOMEN.

I am a woman. We are devious, bitchy and horrific creatures. I’ve had two men cheat on their long term girlfriends with me, so I am just as bad. I really didn’t give a crap at the time, as I was single, on the rebound, feeling shit about myself and very horny. I had never met these girls, so what the hell was the problem? As Earl will tell you, it’s KARMA. Karma is a bitch. I paid heavily for leaving my first boyfriend for someone else. I paid for it from 2004 to 2008. Four years of absolute horrible heartache.

First, my so-called best friend at the time pounced on my newly single ex that I had left my previous ex for. They are now married and living happily in London together. Then my next boyfriend left me for another woman and they are now about 2 weeks away from becoming parents. I remember he and I always said we would call our first born after his father, Andrew. Doubt he’ll remember that come two weeks time when his girlfriend with the shiny face is pushing out his offspring. And that isn’t even including the four other women he cheated on me with. Karma, you fucking bitch.

Wait though, I was a fucking bitch. I stole someone’s ex a week after he dumped my friend. He also happened to be my ex’s best friend as of a week before that. When I was pretty and good looking, I knew I could get men eating out of the palm of my hand and boy, did I hurt a lot of people. Now that the shit hit the fan for four years, of course I regret it, but at the time, I felt important, accepted and beautiful.

I’ve always had a very fucked up (heh) attitude to sex. And you know what? I am so-not alone. I think most women do. When did you last meet a woman with a healthy attitude to sex, men and relationships?  I used to believe that if a man was willing to see me with no clothes on, with the sight being so disturbing, they must REALLY like me. In reality, it was more the opposite. I got used and I used them too, happily and ignorantly, thinking that I was a better person because I was desirable and my life was like an episode of Melrose Place, minus Heather Locklear.

The point I am trying to make is that, it really bothers me when women chase my boyfriend, because I know what it’s like to be that woman. Low self esteem, hectic image to uphold, inconsolable need for attention and affection. And that need is a pretty strong need and, in all honesty, makes you completely devoid of a soul. I should just sit back and watch and laugh. I should just not let it bother me. But when there are hot chicks (that I think are way hotter and therefore way better and more desirable) that are hell-bent on biffing my boyfriend, of course I am freaked out. My self esteem ain’t great y’know. I don’t think I am particularly valuable at the moment because I find myself repulsive because I am fat.

I put myself in the shoes of said boyfriend and see what the choices are – loose, slutty metal chicks who have perfect figures and are into the same music and social scene as him, and me, who is repulsive and a trance head. I trust him, believe me, but to me, I would pick the slutty metal chicks. And that is so hard to get over.

So, slutty metal chicks, off is the general direction I wish you would fuck. \M/

Inuit Lovers

Posted in Uncategorized on February 21, 2012 by starstripe

Even though we fight

Over silly things

Like photos on Facebook

And past inclings

A thing as simple

As seeing his face

Makes my day over and over

Something I could never replace

Yes, we’re not perfect

And we have our fears

But being with him is the happiest

I have been in many years

He’s pretty much my favourite person

Even though I sometimes shout

He’s encouraged me to be a better person

And his love, I really shouldn’t doubt.

It’s back again

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2012 by starstripe

I’ve always struggled with anxiety. As a kid, I would grow transfixed with some catastrophe; so transfixed that I was crippled with fear, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate in school and I couldn’t stop crying. This would go on for about two weeks (it felt like two months), to the point where I was forced to make a resolution of some sort regarding the terrible fear I had of these catastrophies.

Once I accepted that bad things can happen and that there’s nothing I can do about it, I seemed to let the fear go. The three main sources of my worrying were the possibilities that my mother might die, the world might end, or someone would create a tyrannosaurus Rex and set it free in my neighbourhood. I’m not joking.

The mother-dying fear would return for a few days here and there, right to the end of my childhood. I can remember a few times when the anxiety that she might die popped up suddenly, and I had to call her from school and make sure she was alive to feel ok again. I also used to fret about our cats like that.

That all went away once I left high school, but then one day when I was 21, it popped up again, but not about my mother. It was about a boyfriend that everyone warned me against and said that he’d break my heart.

It’s not a fun feeling. Other people who I know say that you can’t understand or know what it’s like unless you’ve been through it. But I have a little more faith in my fellow man, or at least I want faith in them. So I’m going to try to explain what it feels like.

To me, if you were told something terrible was going to happen, and no one knew when, that is a little what it feels like. I’ll elaborate.

Imagine you were told your wife had cancer, or you had a hit placed on you or you had a son on death row. You would think about the inevitable a lot, in fact, even when you weren’t thinking of it, it would still be on your mind. It would never-ever leave you alone. You’d lose your appetite, you’d lose sleep and get behind at work. Take that feeling and you’ve got a pretty good idea.

What’s different from these examples is the build-up. These cases are a shock and wear off-type, but the anxiety that I feel builds up. Anxiety manifests itself through my silly worries where the more I worry, the more I have reason to worry, so I worry more.

I feel a bit like a crazy person sometimes. The places my thoughts take me that are so utterly ridiculous and insane don’t help. The ability to notice 200 threats to my existence in one minute is sometimes overwhelming.

Although I have to say that this time, it is no where near as bad as before. I eat, I sleep and I work, no problem. But a rumble of anxiety is always in my tummy.

Aaaaghr

Posted in Uncategorized on December 19, 2011 by starstripe

It’s almost 2012.

I’m thinking back over the past year and everything that’s happened. It’s been a year of a lot of changes. New job, a car, a nephew, finally getting over that boy I couldn’t seem to get away from since 2009, finding a new and amazing boy, losing 10kg, gaining 15kg, leaving 12 Step fellowships for good, partying again like a normal person, going on lithium, coming off lithium, having a promiscuous phase, having a celibate phase, seeing three people I know pass on, being loaded, being broke, new friends, leaving old friends… phew. Quite the year.

I’d like 2012 to be a little calmer.

I’d like to stay in the same job, have a great and peaceful relationship with my boyfriend, make new friends, lose 30kgs, get off all meds, not be celibate, not be promiscuous, being ok for Dollars, look after my car, learn guitar, start gymming again, start playing poi to tone up and have fun, go to Afrikaburn in April and last but definitely not least – get some form of self esteem going.