Archive for January, 2013

High Hopes

Posted in Mind Ramblings on January 1, 2013 by starstripe

So it’s 2013.

I’m sitting at my sister’s house, watching the Royal Variety Performance as the fireworks erupt around us in the neighbouring suburbs. Sounds pretty average, but there’s one thing wrong that has never been wrong before. I have stage four colon cancer that’s metastasised to my lungs and abdomen.

I’ve said that word so many times in the past few months, and i hate it more every time I say it. CANCER. But, it’s here, and I can’t change that. I can not go to pieces though, and so that’s the stance I’m taking.

2012 has been a terrible and great year. I moved in with the love of my life, only to have it crumble. But the moving in together is still one of the highlights of my year and life. I loved him very much and it was hard to let go of, but it’s done now. I made new friends, changed jobs, only to have my latest gig let me go because, “we need to run a business” and someone with cancer obviously isn’t conducive to that. It’s a good thing though, because with the chemo, I couldn’t work anyway.

So my wish for 2013 is to live. Plain and simple, this time next year, I want to be with my family in the UK and raising a glass to the year I beat cancer, the year I found love, the year I got a great new job and the year I found my health in every way.

My sister asked me today “how are you not going to pieces about being given a possible death sentence?” Well, what makes the tears flow is seeing my family upset. I’ve always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. So to me, losing my life isn’t too much of a shock I guess. Seeing my family and friends hurt is. I really REALLY don’t want to die though. Having a death sentence has made me realise that life is something valuable. Worth dying for, if you will. However, if me dying saves one really great person, I’ll do it without complaint.

Again though, I don’t want to lose my life. I still have so much to do, and I have stupidly sat, for years, saying I will do it tomorrow. I’ll lose weight tomorrow. I’ll stop smoking tomorrow. I’ll get fit tomorrow. Now, I need to do these things today as a matter of life and death.

So please let me be here next year. Please let me beat this. Please let 2013 be the year I get up, and walk on.

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