Archive for October, 2011

There are times when I feel I’d rather not be the one behind the wheel

Posted in Mind Ramblings on October 22, 2011 by starstripe

Another death. Pointless. I’ve been to too many funerals, and I can’t tell if it’s because I am getting older and that is what happens when you become an adult, or if I’m just exposed to a particularly susceptible bunch of people. I think the only person I have known who has died of old age is my grandfather (touch wood). There’s been accidental overdoses, a couple of murders, car accidents and lots and lots of suicides.

In a way, suicide is indeed a most selfish act born of the fear of rejection and responsibility for “letting down” people we care about. “I couldn’t bear to tell my wife I’m broke,” “I failed all my exams and my parents will be so ashamed, I really don’t want to hurt them.” Sentiments of care for others, but ultimately narcissism for believing that loved ones would rather have them dead than failing at some part of their life. Surely the pain of seeing someone fail is not a pinch on the pain of having someone end their life over it

I sit here, having just learned about another friend who has taken his own life, and I’m certain he wasn’t thinking of others, but not in the narcissistic way that saddens entire schools, businesses and churches. He sounded so completely fine when I spoke to him a few weeks ago. He sounded happy. He was excited about coming back to South Africa. I don’t for one second believe that he feared parental upset for something less-than-favourable in his life.

This may be going all over the place, but I’m basically saying that I see two sides to suicide. The “guilt/can’t cope with embarrassment of self-perceived failure” type, and the “my life is fucking miserable and I don’t want to be alive anymore, and I’m going to end it because I just can’t bear living anymore” type.” I don’t find the latter selfish. I find the former selfish. Even though it involves care for others, it is is care that stems from a desperate need to keep one’s ego afloat. The latter stems from utter misery and depression, and has nothing to do with ego.

I count last night’s suicide amongst the non-selfish type. And it makes me so sad that this person was in such a bad place to have done this.

You’ll be missed, Surfer James.

 

Advertisements

Earplugs

Posted in Uncategorized on October 18, 2011 by starstripe

Always in the background, a bit like a dull, humming sound.

An annoying sound. Very noticeable. Unavoidable. But subtle all the same.

All questions, experiences, reminisces, moments of growth,

All involving that shallow rumble. Like life began

With her.

Nails on a chalkboard. Am I reasonable.

Something I think about often,

Not as often as I try and ignore that nauseating sound.

Spiders and stars, scrambled eggs and subwoofers

Posted in Mind Ramblings on October 7, 2011 by starstripe

The days come and go these days. They blend together one after another and I lose count of where it began, and where it will end.

It feels like I’ve known you for years.

I’m experiencing things I haven’t felt in years: contentment, amazement, happiness.

Yet with such good comes such bad. Intensity, passion and safety leave space for loneliness, neglect and sorrow. We who climb highest fall hardest.

I’m tempted to use caution; to preserve myself in a half realised, half abandoned limbo so that any pain I may come to experience can be buffered by the detatchment.

But I don’t want that.

I’ve been made to smile a lot, laugh constantly, evaluate the preferences in my life and feel valued as someone truly worth adoration. These mean so much to me, and they are easy to do when you’re around.

Sometimes I do feel fear, anger, loneliness and confusion. Big emotions come easily to me, but aren’t dealt with easily by me. I’ve always struggled to be appropriate.

But I realise there is no fine-line over what is acceptable and what is not. It’s different with every lover.

I do not feel boundaried and expected to behave within certain parameters in order to please someone else over my piece of mind.

And I daresay the same for you.

How fortunate!

 

 

An every day reminder.

Posted in Mind Ramblings on October 5, 2011 by starstripe

“Flat boobs are hot.”

“Lots of tattoos are hot.”

“Boots (Levi’s cowboy, army, those brown ones at Mr Price) are hot.”

“Very long hair is hot.”

“Androgynous bodies are hot.”

“Red hair is hot.”

“Skinny legs are hot.”

“Girl on top is hot.”

“Short shorts are hot.”

“revealing tops are hot.”

“Gymming is hot.”

 

I am none of these.

And every day another one pops up, reminding me how I am everything but what’s really desired.