I’m in a homicidal mood.

Just thought I’d put that out there.

No really, I am having one of those days when EVERYTHING makes you want to start howling in self pity and you begin to wish that your mother had aborted you. It’s one of those days when my love for the things in my life that I do have are overshadowed by my dismay of other people having more than me.

My credit card maxed today. Now, I have been good with my credit card – the only frivolous spend that I made on it was buying a plane ticket that cost R1800. The other R8200 went on keeping myself alive from the middle of the month when I would run out of cash in my cheque account. And today the card started steaming in my wallet and went all floppy.

This brings much dismay to my life. It is reminiscent of March this year, on the day of the MyCokeFest. My house is near the Kenilworth racecourse where the concert was held, so I got to hear every little word uttered out of the mouths of the rock stars whilst I sat at home, starving and with no cigarettes. I was resentful, miserable and weepy. I ate a can of cold baked beans that day and smoked maybe two cigarettes. My clothes were falling off me which was a bonus. But my resentment really went out to every single person at that coke fest who was busy enjoying themselves whilst having the support of Mummy and Daddy. Because that is something I wanted and needed on that day.

I have learned a hell of a lot from being low on money for three years. I have learned to sew up ripped clothes (badly) that any normal person would throw away. I have learned to grow my own lettuce that tastes crap. I have learned that debt is a soul crushing hole of crap to get your self into, and even more of a soul crushing hole of crap to pull yourself out of, ususally getting you into more debt.

I have learnt that you don’t need money to make you happy, but you do need money to eat and take a hot shower. Both of which I have been denied of. I still showered, just in cold water. I have layed in my bed, so hungry I could cry, not because of dieting but because there was absolutely nothing in my cupboards to eat. I have borrowed, sold my belongings and begged for cash at one stage or another. I haven’t stolen though. Except a spoon from Pick n Pay but that is another story for another time.

What gets me is that you need money to make money. I was browsing through the whole ‘rich dad poor dad’ book and discovered that you need to get assests to make moolah. What the author fails to explain is that when you want to accumulate assets, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM. Soooooooo where do you get that money from, unless you start a mugging cartel?

I have to admit, I had a privileged upbringing. I was not allowed a TV in my room, but apart from that, I never went hungry. Emotional enrichment wasn’t exactly a top priority in my family, but time and money were. So to swap to a lifestyle where time is little and money even less has been an experience, some of which I have loved: a bit like Kate Winslet in Titanic when she goes Irish dancing with Leonardo di Caprio and gets to shag him in the back of a Rolls Royce (nice irony). But in my case, I didn’t get to shag Leonardo di Caprio in a Rolls Royce. A funny thing to note – my two most serious retaionships were with… you guessed it – boys from poor backgrounds with a broken home. Funny that. I kind of wish they had frozen solid and sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic just like Leo.

Whilst living the life of a poor young person, I have learned a hell of a lot (including how to freeze phone cards to make them last longer and jump train rides for free, as well as hitchike, sweet talk taxi drivers into giving me free rides and how to wash clothes with shampoo). But I am reaching the ungrateful stage – I just want to live every month without having to worry about having my electricity cut off. I want to be comfortable. I want to be happy and the sick part of my brain is telling me that I will be, as long as I have more money. That is a false ideal, obviously, but my days of “as long as I have *insert appropriate boyfriend’s name here*, I’ll be happy,” are over.


5 Responses to “MEH!!!”

  1. i share a similar hatred!

  2. starstripe Says:

    *Hai Faive!!!*

  3. bucks begets bucks.
    u should perhaps try to convert ur skill to cash.

  4. starstripe Says:

    I wish ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Money can’t buy happiness. However, it can buy a lot of things that lead to happiness ๐Ÿ™‚

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