I tried so hard.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 9, 2013 by starstripe

I forgave you so many times. Gave second chances so many times. Tried so hard to be good enough for you. Only to be let go of again. But by phone, on my airtime.

Shame on you for hurting me once. Shame on me for letting you hurt me again. And again. And again.

I deserve better than you.

What a waste of my limited time.

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High Hopes

Posted in Mind Ramblings on January 1, 2013 by starstripe

So it’s 2013.

I’m sitting at my sister’s house, watching the Royal Variety Performance as the fireworks erupt around us in the neighbouring suburbs. Sounds pretty average, but there’s one thing wrong that has never been wrong before. I have stage four colon cancer that’s metastasised to my lungs and abdomen.

I’ve said that word so many times in the past few months, and i hate it more every time I say it. CANCER. But, it’s here, and I can’t change that. I can not go to pieces though, and so that’s the stance I’m taking.

2012 has been a terrible and great year. I moved in with the love of my life, only to have it crumble. But the moving in together is still one of the highlights of my year and life. I loved him very much and it was hard to let go of, but it’s done now. I made new friends, changed jobs, only to have my latest gig let me go because, “we need to run a business” and someone with cancer obviously isn’t conducive to that. It’s a good thing though, because with the chemo, I couldn’t work anyway.

So my wish for 2013 is to live. Plain and simple, this time next year, I want to be with my family in the UK and raising a glass to the year I beat cancer, the year I found love, the year I got a great new job and the year I found my health in every way.

My sister asked me today “how are you not going to pieces about being given a possible death sentence?” Well, what makes the tears flow is seeing my family upset. I’ve always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. So to me, losing my life isn’t too much of a shock I guess. Seeing my family and friends hurt is. I really REALLY don’t want to die though. Having a death sentence has made me realise that life is something valuable. Worth dying for, if you will. However, if me dying saves one really great person, I’ll do it without complaint.

Again though, I don’t want to lose my life. I still have so much to do, and I have stupidly sat, for years, saying I will do it tomorrow. I’ll lose weight tomorrow. I’ll stop smoking tomorrow. I’ll get fit tomorrow. Now, I need to do these things today as a matter of life and death.

So please let me be here next year. Please let me beat this. Please let 2013 be the year I get up, and walk on.

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One week

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2012 by starstripe

Wow. In the space of a week, the love of my life dumped me and found someone new. I’ve been dumped and replaced, lost my house, lost a wonderful cat and lost a future with someone I deeply loved.

I’m not to sure what to do from here. I thought he cared enough to behave like a decent human being. Now he feels that I am un the wring for bring upset about it.

In the space of a week he’s gone from “i love you so much, I can’t live without you” to “yes I’m seeing someone else.”

I don’t care if it happened unexpectedly. If he never intended it. What he’s done is hurt me deeply to my core, something he always said he would never want to do. But he has, so much.

He’s left me feeling utterly worthless, which is shitty as all I ever did was look after him and be good to him. He’s behaving like an asshole and I am the one suffering for it.

You’ve ruined my life, you asshole, and you’re just sailing onward with no consequences. Thanks for leaving me in pieces and carrying in as if the year we were together meant nothing to you. It’s good to know that all the love I put into us was for nothing.

I am so angry and hate you so much right now. But that’s what you want, because then its easier for you to just up, leave and move on without any responsibility. You said you wished you could make this easier for me. Well if this is how you do it, you’re not the good person I thought you were. In fact, you definitey aren’t.

The Past Year

Posted in Mind Ramblings on September 18, 2012 by starstripe

Life’s gone up and down. I’ve changed jobs. Twice. I left a cult-ish type spiritual organisation. I lost like 10kgs. I moved out of my little bachelorette flat and into a house close to the city. I have become step mother to the most wonderful cat in the world. I’ve come off a lot of medication. And I fell in love.

It wasn’t the first time it’s happened and may not be the last. But he’s been in my life for well over a year now and I’m still as hopelessly amazed by most of what he does as I was a year ago.

Sometimes he makes me very sad. But most of the time, he makes me happy and want to try harder at doing good things so that I am a better person. Except the gym. Just can’t get that motivation up and running.

So in his honour, here is a video of a cat, lip synching to metal.

Just some normal friends

Posted in Uncategorized on August 20, 2012 by starstripe

I don’t want friends on crack. You’re all crazy.
I don’t want friends on smack. You’re all insane.
I don’t want friends on alcohol. You’re loud and difficult.
I don’t want friends on the 12 steps. You’re in a cult.
I just want some normal fucking friends that aren’t drug dealers or into swinging.
I Just want some normal friends who aren’t boring.
Please.

Creep

Posted in Mind Ramblings on April 17, 2012 by starstripe

Special? I wish I was special, just like Thom Yorke wishes he was.

I love too much, and that makes me not special. My father says it’s a gift. I say it’s a curse. In the movies, people who love too much are the heroes.  In real life, we’re the losers.

We give ourselves so easily. We become boring to those we love. It’s like having Christmas every day. It’s not an effort for anyone to be in our lives. Well, the people we’re in love with. It’s not even their fault. It’s my fault.

Little things. Little messages. Little efforts. Everyday little things we do seem so common, they get forgotten, or accepted as normal. But they aren’t normal; they are special to us. We just feel so much that we like to show that we love, everyday. And the smallest sign of love thrown our way means the world to us. We never forget it.

It’s a paradox, really. Love and lose them. Be indifferent and hook them.

Best cats of the web

Posted in I did it for the lols... on April 17, 2012 by starstripe

1. Kitteh wif so much ennui and noir: Henri

Henri and his daily plight with the French Noir genre.

 

2. Cats on treadmills

 

The song makes it to awesome. And the white cat.

 

 

3. Dance of the kitty cat (especially for Gummy)

 

Keeping SEO Copywriters sane, worldwide.

 

4. BootsCatsBootsCats

 

Cat bee!

 

5. Funny Cats Collection

 

A bit long, and the background “laughter” is a bit annoying but the kittehs make it worth it.