Polar Bear Hugger – New Breed of Retard

{ April 17, 2009 @ 11:12 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Whilst wearing my legs away on a bike at the gym yesterday, I happened to see a woman in a pit, swimming with polar bears on my bike’s little TV screen, courtesy of Sky News. “That’s not normal” I thought to myself, but couldn’t get the full story because I had no earphones with me. This morning I did a little investigating and it turns out that some insane Kraut decided to try and get friendly with a polar bear.

Nice.

Apparently the woman climbed over a fence, a wall and ‘prickly hedges’ before practicing her best bomb technique into the enclosure pool. Swimming towards the nearest cuddly-bear with a smile plastered on her face (like someone who has slicked two caps of acid), the woman soon became play fodder for the creatures. After failed attempts by the zoo staff to get her out of the water, the polar bears pulled off her pants in a last stab attempt at launching her world humiliation to new highs.

She was eventually pulled out and sent to hospital where she is recuperating and facing criminal charges. No one knows yet why she pulled the stunt, but mental instability is propbably something to do with it. Or a bet for a million Deutsche Mark.

I’m a big fan of self destruction, but not when it becomes a world wide embarrassment. I had to join in on the 6 billion people world wide, uttering in joint fashion “you utter dimwit” and seeing as a polar bear was involved, my lol was created.

Feel free to vote for it on Icanhascheezburger – the source of much happiness in my life.

Mebbeh French meat bettr?

Mebbeh French meat bettr?

Read the full story here.

And check out the picture gallery here.

MetroFAIL

{ April 9, 2009 @ 6:28 pm } · { Random Randoms }
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Yes MetroRail, I really do hate you. You are the epitome of the South African incompetence that I am so sick of. Here I sit on a broken down train that is supposed to be the express train. The only thing express about this train is how quickly it is pissing me off.

On Wednesday night, I worked late. There is a train which leaves the station at 6.58pm exactly and I was on the platform at 6.57pm wondering where the bloody train was. I asked a guard who was standing near to me and probably needs therapy after dealing with me.

‘Excuse me, but where is the train?’ I asked her. ‘Oh it left already’ she replied with a beaming smile. ‘How can it have left already?’ I bellowed, ‘look at the board, it is not meant to leave for one more minute!’ ‘Oh’ she replied, ‘there is another train at half past seven from platform 5′ she beamed. ‘But why did the train leave early! It does this all the time!’ I shrieked. ‘Oh, I don’t know, sorry, you have to complain to the manager if you have a problem.’ ‘Well, seeing as I have over half an hour to kill, I’ll go and do that, where is their office?’ I asked, to which she replied, beaming smile intact still, despite the fact that I had steam coming out of my nose, ‘oh sorry madam, the office is closed’.

I’m very proud of myself however as I managed to restrain myself from punching her teeth out. But this is a daily occurrence with Metrorail. Trains leaving early, leaving late, not arriving at all or breaking down. And this is the best part- on the odd occasion that they do announce delays, their way of making it up to everyone who is late for work is to say… ‘we apologise for the inconvenience caused’. Bastards.

I don’t even know why I bother to buy a ticket, as the guards are usually too busy gossiping amongst themselves to check that my ticket is valid. As usual, the monopoly wins.

President Jacob Zuma – WB Yeats Predicted This 90 Years Ago

{ April 6, 2009 @ 1:35 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Getting pissed on tax-payers money had given Jacob lots of practice at the funky chicken

Getting pissed on tax-payers money had given Jacob lots of practice at the funky chicken

Well Joy. Jacob Zuma has been let off scott-free, thanks to the spineless c**ts of the NPA. A friend of mine sent me this in summary of his opinion on the matter:

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

— William Butler Yeats

Sounds pretty on par to me.

Gods, Ghosts and Witches

{ March 28, 2009 @ 12:12 pm } · { Spookeh }
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Having moved into my new apartment has bought about many things into my life – not having to worry about a burglar jumping on me in the middle of the night, being in the centre of the action (which I avoid) in Claremont and… a naughty little spirit/s that inhabit the flat.

Since my poor little Zog (my flat mate and long time good friend Zoe, with whom I have shared many rock bottoms and highs) has gone into hospital, I have been alone in the flat. I will explain in detail further tomorrow, as I have to get to bed, but things tend to go bump in the night in this flat, which is odd because the building is less than 2 years old since completion.

I was checking out the WordPress home page, and saw the following site featured about a man or woman in old school dress, apearing in a photo taken at a spooooky, old castle, and the photo is being viewed as genuine… Maybe Miss McGoo can find out more on her imminent trip to the land of haggis!

More to come about the ghostly happenings at the flat.

Good Manners and Virtual Back Stabbing

{ March 25, 2009 @ 11:42 am } · { Mind Ramblings }
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WeHEEEL!!!! That last post was a bit of a downer wasn’t it? I mean what I say about Emo’s thought. Little rats.

Anyhoooo, I work on the online industry. I may be a humble little SEO copywriter, but from what I have seen fold out in front of me in the two years I have been involved, is that there is a lot of ethical stuff that is pretty much ignored in some instances and not by the company I work for – they are honest, tactful and not out to make money money money. It just seems to me that in this industry, unless you back stab, bitch, gossip, screw over and lie, you won’t get ahead. It is one of the things that REALLY bothers me. And yes, I am aware that in business you have to be smart and that it is a fight to the death to get on top. But can’t it be an honest fight? Can’t it be done with some moral principles? That’s all I ask.

Funny too that the older I get, the more I realise that a lot of people are not all that nice. I have discovered that a lot of people will put their interests first above others and screw who they might hurt.
Take the train for instance. As a woman, I quite dig chivalry. But take a train from Cape Town Station anywhere and you will see men seated and comfy whilst women stand. I have seen a pregnant woman with a 2 year old having to stand while about 20 douche bags look the other way from their comfy chair. These same douche bags will push in front to get out of the gate first and if you are headed in the same path towards each other, God help you if you don’t get out the way.

Maybe my eyes are a bit tainted, but come on. Lies, kicks in the teeth and plain ignoring good manners seem to have taken over the part of Cape Town that I see. Sad.

Another downer. Sorry, I am just in downer mode at the moment.

___________________________________________

{ March 20, 2009 @ 3:07 pm } · { Mind Ramblings }
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Ever get the feeling your life is slipping slowly out of your hands? I’ve been feeling that way pretty much all the time recently. Since January. It always leaves eventually, whether through a boyfriend or more medication or both. Although previous times were far longer than this bout, but with every phase I slip into, it wears down just a little bit deeper and deeper and I hope soon there won’t be anything left.

A good friend of mine described this as ‘everything just goes grey’. I couldn’t agree more. The orange wall in front of me isn’t filled with all the usual bright, happy and hopeful associations. It’s just orange.

I’m spending more time by myself. I don’t want to see anyone anymore.

A big part of me absolutely loves this constant pressure on my chest and lack of breath in my throat. It utterly thrives on it. Misery has a thick, syrupy texture and it sticks just as easily. Like warm, thick milk in a way – but not warm in the usual context. I’m talking about unclear, hazy, compacting and submerging warmth.

Misery is MY world and mine alone. I don’t want to share it with anyone and it gives me a damn good excuse to push people away, as violently as I want. Then just as soon I cannot be without one or other person.
I know when I am going down because I spend 90% of my time in my head and 10% processing normal everyday functions when a normal person would have it the other way around. In my head is the life I want though. The person I want to be lives in there and I love watching her, experiencing her every day interactions with her, knowing that if I really put my mind to it, I will become her. And living in that world, driving around in her car with her, seeing my friends and family interact with her, that is enough for me to be alright. Because she is me. A different me, a much much better me, but still me.

That is the only place that I have a motivation to be present in. Not this orange wall I am staring at. Because as I said already, the things around me right now are slipping quickly away from me and I can’t seem to stop it.

And no, I am not some skull wearing, emo retard fuckwit who thinks it is fashionable to be depressed. Emo’s can all go and set themselves on fucking fire. Once they have been locked up on a psyche ward over and over for weeks at a fucking time, fed pills like smarties and then they can come and talk to me. And cutting themselves? What the fuck – I doubt one of those striped legging wearing cunts has ever really enjoyed doing it. They just do it to show their friends. I doubt they have ever had the pleasure of experiencing the total nothingness it gives you just when you need it most. Seriously – they are taking advantage of something that is not funny, not pleasant and not for kiddies, and for what? To look good? Fucking retards.

SPCA HELPS WITH TABLE MOUNTAIN FIRES

{ March 20, 2009 @ 3:01 pm } · { Random Randoms, Uncategorized }
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Table Mountain fire:

SPCA rescues injured wildlife COGH SPCA Chief Inspector Andries Venter carries the severly burnt grysbokkie to safety.

Andries Ventre with injured bokkie

Andries Venter with injured bokkie

When they found the bokkie

The greysbokkie when we found her

Wildlife is the main casualty of the fires on Table Mountain – and the SPCA has had its hands full with urgent rescue and relief missions.Although numerous wild animals have been rescued, more casualties are expected while the fire still burns – and in its aftermath – and SPCA Inspectors remain on full alert. To date, no domestic animals appear to have been affected, but the SPCA urges pet owners to keep a close eye on their dogs and cats. One of the heartbreaking casualties of the fire was a grysbok, whose plight was brought to the attention of SPCA Chief Inspector Andries Venter by the City of Cape Town’s Disaster Management team. The grysbok was found in a quarry near Vredehoek, with severe burn wounds on its legs and face. It was unable to move because of its injuries. The animal was rushed to Dr George Coury at Citi Vet in Gardens, where it was put on a drip and given emergency treatment for its pain and injuries. Unfortunately it suffered internal injuries from smoke inhalation and passed away.

To report injured animals – or for more information about the SPCA’s rescue efforts – please call 021 700 4158/9 or contact the SPCA after hours emergency number: 083 326 1604.

Meep.

{ March 17, 2009 @ 11:21 am } · { Random Randoms }
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Dilemma. I have much to write about. But my topics generally concern people I am good friends with and who read my blog.

When I am wanting to rant or talk about something in my life that is reasonably humorous and good blog fodder, there is always the ‘risk’ (certifiable DEFINITE chance) that someone will read it who knows that I am talking about them and get pissed off.

Oh the dilemma.

I’ll just write about people who don’t read my blog.

Serves them right for not reading it.

Some Contemporary Humour :)

{ March 13, 2009 @ 12:53 pm } · { Mind Ramblings, Uncategorized }
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The world seems to be going a little whacked at the moment. As Norman Bates said – “We all go a little crazy sometimes”. That’s all good but with a recession holding the globe’s economy by the scrotum, insanity seems to be a daily event. Someone mentioned yesterday that this economic crisis isn’t as bad as in the 20’s and no one has thrown themselves off buildings in anguish and haven’t done so in a good few years. Another replied “Ummm they have, but that was because the Twin Towers were on fire.”

Ahem

Pardon me, I just love sick humour.

On the local shores, we have the election madness setting in. I admit that I have some fear in my stomach about the future of the country, considering the problems with corruption, cheating and Julius Malema’s Matric results.

I was sent two emails by the fabulous Jono1980 which brought some comic relief to my fears about the world recession and South African political circus. Ta jono, please send more :)

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS

- DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

· DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin
bags along with your old bank statements.

· SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by
changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741GP,

· DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.

· AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator.

· SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house
and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

· HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.

· OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books,
simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

· SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking
a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.

· SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to
the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them
back for fifty cents.

· CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of
cling film and press them into your eyes.

· MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of
toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make
humbugs.

· SHOPPERS, when buying oranges and bananas, get more for your money by
peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

And finally…ZUMATELLO

Master Splinter will be thrilled.

Master Splinter will be thrilled.

ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!! *%&#$^#*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{ March 12, 2009 @ 11:24 am } · { Random Randoms }
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I am seething right now. Abso-fucking-lutely SEETHING.

As previously mentioned, my complete DOOS of an ex-boyfriend likes his facebook profile picture to be of him and his new, shiny faced, big teethed girlfriend. And the most recent pic he has as his profile picture (and no, I am not friends with him on FB, I deleted his cheating, crack smoking, heroin injecting, money stealing, manipulative ass) is of him and the GF as per usual. Bit in this pic, he is wearing my sodding hoodie that I bought with my first ever pay cheque, when I was 22. I could kill. And that pay cheque was important to me because it was the first sign that I was capable of being a responsible adult after I cleaned up. And now that bastard is wearing it in his profile pic. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I felt sorry for him last year, and lent him two of my hoodies that didn’t fit me anymore. A black hoodie from Bushido in Cape Town, which is one of about three that they had at the time, the only one in black, and my UCT hoodie I bought in 1st year (2001) as an innocent 17 year old, learning to find my way after leaving home. Both hoodies have a lot of value to me. And I guess I was stupid for giving them to him. But did the ass-face have to wear one in his profile pic?

I have done this before though. I had an incredible Blur tshirt from the time that Country House was released. My sister went to their concert in London when we lived just outside the big city, and I was too young to go. She never wore the tshirt so I appropriated it. I then gave it to another ex because he loved Blur. And the first time I saw him 3 months after we broke up, he was wearing it. But that particular ex is decent so I don’t mind him having it. I do regret giving it away thought.

I have learned my lesson. No more giving away stuff made of complete awesomeness to please people I love. Because invariably they show their true colours and I regret having done so.

Seriously, I hope this ex gets run over. Actually, he was hit by a taxi when he was on his motor bike, which pleased me greatly.

I was even considering making peace with this guy later this year. Not now. I will just be asking for my two hoodies back and the R6000 he owes me (which he stole to buy crack with).

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